Becoming Need-Free

Ever since elementary school, my deepest wish was to belong. I’d sit alone at a school lunch table, looking over at the other tables circled with people laughing and joking, and I’d feel this need, this hunger, this longing, for a circle of my own, full of my people. Over the next 30 years, I tied myself into knots chasing belonging, sometimes in really unhealthy ways. 

Do you have a need like that? Perhaps to be safe, to be appreciated, to be free, to be in control, to matter, to have order, to be good enough? This newsletter offers five strategies to get your needs met permanently. 

STORY: Becoming need-free.

READ MORE: Links and resources to permanently satisfy your needs.

BOOK STUFF: Join us Monday, October 28 to discuss The Vagabond’s Way, by Rolf Potts. 

PODCAST: Episode 15 helps build your social circles and Episode 16 explores your emotional landscape.

GOING FURTHER: Last chance to join the Collective Wisdom Leadership Circle!

STORY: Becoming need-free.

From second to eighth grade, I lived in Dallas Texas. I was one of only five people of color in the whole middle school, trying desperately to fit in amongst a sea of blond cheerleaders. 

I let the boys copy my homework even if they couldn’t remember my name. I tried out for pep squad despite hating football and cheer as sports. I even took cotillion classes. It didn’t work. 

All that set me up with a deep-seeded need to belong. 

In college and grad school, I dated the wrong people, clung to groups I didn’t actually enjoy being around, and worked myself to the bone in order to impress faculty and join their elite ranks. 

In my 20’s and 30’s, I threw dinner parties for couples we’d met and organized fellow new moms for stroller walks in the park. Yet, I held myself apart and aloof, as if I were still sitting one table away. Now, looking back, I realize that I was so afraid of rejection and loneliness that I refused to allow myself to be vulnerable with others. I wouldn’t share my own struggles. I’d deflect others’ offers of help and appreciation thinking they weren’t real.

Finally, in my 40’s, as I was training to become a leadership coach, I encountered the idea of becoming need-free. The promise – to have my need for belonging permanently satisfied, to never feel that hunger again, to be 100% confident that even if my whole life fell apart that I’d have the power to create deep belonging once again – felt like something out of a fantasy novel. 

Seriously? No way. Impossible. It must be April Fool’s Day. 

Only… it wasn’t.

I’ve just returned from three different events – the Heroine’s Journey Women’s Leadership Retreat, the ACSA Women’s Leadership Forum, and a weekend ropes course with my pod of friends – and I can now say for certain that I’m need-free when it comes to belonging.

Here’s what I did:

Step 1 - Observe

Identify the needs that drive your behavior and get really curious about them. 

In this article, we’re focused not on physiological needs like food, water, air, and shelter, but the other levels of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs: safety, belonging/love, esteem, self-actualization, transcendence. Another great way to conceptualize human needs is based on decades of conflict resolution work from the Center for Nonviolent Communication. Their free Feelings/Needs Inventory is a fantastic resource. Or see the list of 200+ needs in the CoachU inventory that I first utilized for this exercise.

Ask yourself:

• Which needs do you require to be your best? It’s different for every person.

• Which of your needs are being met fully and completely? 

• Which are not? This step can be really challenging as there may be hidden “secret” needs that your conscious self may be reluctant to acknowledge. My ego’s need for control is like that – something unsavory that I hate to admit as it feels really authoritarian and demanding, yet if I’m honest with myself, it drives my behavior.

• For each unmet need, how much of your time and energy is being directly or indirectly consumed trying to satisfy that need? Use this question to narrow your list down to one or two needs that are consuming the most time and energy. For each one of these most consuming unmet needs:

  • Where did this need come from in my past?

  • How does this need show up now?

  • Who am I when this need is unmet?

  • Who am I when this need is met?

  • Am I ready to become need-free? This question is important because often a need sticks around because there’s a part of us who benefits from the need. For me, my need to belong drove a lot of my service to others, over-achieving, and perfectionism. Would becoming need-free in this area make me less of a servant leader? Would it lower my standards? I needed to struggle through that first or else I’d get in my own way as I made changes.

Step 2 - Communicate and Set Boundaries

Generally, we rely on family, friends, or colleagues to meet our needs, yet rarely communicate directly about them. 

Once I knew that belonging and control were my two most consuming unmet needs, I shared my new self-awareness with others.  

For instance, I told my husband that I realized my need for belonging and control was getting in the way and asked him to help me notice when that happened. We decided to call it my “kryptonite”. Like recently, Jason and I were calendaring our school pick ups and drop offs. I started to get controlling about it, and he said gently, “I think there’s some kryptonite in the room.” 

I also set boundaries. My workplace always-here-for-you, let-me-fix-it tendencies were directly linked to my unmet need for belonging. So I set work boundaries for myself like setting a 5:15 alarm to leave the office, turning off notifications, activating phone and computer “downtime”, and most importantly, openly discussing and troubleshooting my new patterns with colleagues. 

Funny… I put a ton of effort into ensuring folks could reach me if it was urgent. I was so afraid of letting people down by giving myself downtime, yet they hardly ever called after hours, not because they were afraid to but because they too were loving their own new-found downtime when I wasn’t calling or emailing them.

Step 3 - Set Automatic Watering Systems

Next, identify several ways to get your need met in healthy, soul-enriching ways and set up automatic routines to make that possible. 

It’s kind of like watering the lawn. If you wait for rain or have to consciously remember to go out with a hose every other day, the grass won’t stay green for long. On the other hand, if you put in the work to install sprinkler system that waters the grass regularly, on its own, without you having to do much of anything, then the grass stays green.

Personally, I started with Friday game nights. My son wanted to learn Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) and so did I. There was a group of kids with nice parents that were interested too. We started off with a one-off Friday night with beer and conversation for the adults, french fries and D&D for the kids (and me). We liked it so much we made it an every Friday thing. Within a month the automatic watering system was set:

• Who: the same five families with a rotating cast of additional friends and family.

• When: every Friday night unless we’re out of town.

• Where: my house.

• What:  Jason and I prep french fries and an entree. One family brings veggies and sides. Another family brings an appetizer platter. Another sides or dessert. Another wine, beer, and cider. Kids choose the game. 

• How: initially an email list but that soon moved to a text thread.

When the pandemic hit, that group of families became our bubble pod and we’ve only grown closer and closer over the years through group travel, celebrating birthdays and holidays, helping out at each other’s homes and businesses, and even tackling a ropes course together. And with that closeness, I could finally let down my guard and be vulnerable. I belonged.

My need for belonging gets watered every Friday. 

Set it. Then forget it.

If you don’t want to start Friday game night, there’s many other options, many of which are my backup watering to “water” my need for belonging all the other days of the week. For instance:

• Hiking groups

• Gym memberships

• Yoga studios

• Service clubs

• Volunteer groups

• Rec center classes

• Book clubs (next meeting Oct 28!)

• Conferences (I loved seeing the deep friendships that have grown from the ACSA Women in School Leadership Forum)

• Retreats (the connection between participants at the last Heroine’s Journey retreat was especially deep).

• Leadership circles (last chance to enroll in mine)

(Photo courtesy of ACSA Women in School Leadership Forum)

And what about automatic watering for other types of needs? Consider these examples:

• Need for appreciation – Conduct a genius campaign and/or create a feel good bucket/folder. One office created a “Thanksgiving wall” covered in post it notes celebrating the nice things people did for one another and create a culture of appreciation.

• Need for control – One client felt out of control with household clutter and her daily calendar, but found solace in having 100% control over her physical office, her music playlist, meal planning, and how she spent the morning before the kids woke up.

• Need for respect – One elementary school made the shift from students addressing staff by first name to adding a respectful honorific (Mr./Ms.). Staff did the same for parents. 

• Need for accomplishment – One client felt she never got anything done all day – for every item she checked off her to do list, another was added. So we changed the way she kept her to do list so that completed items stayed visible with a checkmark. Suddenly, she could see just how much she actually accomplished each day. Another client keeps mementos from major accomplishments tucked all around the edges of her bathroom mirror.

• Need for security – One client’s deepest fear was becoming homeless and destitute. Though she knew that her financial situation was solid, and felt better after each annual review with her financial advisor, confidence faded quickly into anxiety. So, she asked her financial advisor to email weekly one page statements to “water the lawn” weekly and keep her confidence high.

Once you can get your needs met regularly and consistently, you are free. 

Step 4 - 100% Responsibility

Take step 3 above with a warning label. You cannot become need-free by looking to others to constantly and consistently meet your needs. The ultimate responsibility lies with you and you alone. 

I constantly looked to others for approval so I could feel good enough to belong. And even though part of my watering system involves looking to my husband and loved ones for appreciation (apparently the “magic” ratio according to science is 5 positives to every 1 negative interaction), ultimately, it is my responsibility to feel secure in my relationships. I am 100% responsible for feeling worthy of love, approval and belonging.

If your automatic watering system relies on the actions, words, or attitudes of others, that might work on a temporary basis but in the long term, deep inner work may be necessary to satisfy the need once and for all. If this sounds like you, consider talking to a therapist, coach, spiritual leader, or other trusted mentor for guidance.

Conclusion

I think what surprises me most is how impossible becoming need-free seemed four years ago, and how very real and possible it is. Sure, when I’m stressed, triggered, or emotional, my neediness returns (“kryptonite” is still hiding around the house). But I know exactly what to do to soothe my neediness and get back to center. 

And now, so do you!

READ MORE: Links and resources to permanently satisfy your needs.

Definitely begin with these three models for human needs:  Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s Feelings/Needs Inventory, or  the list of 200+ needs in the CoachU inventory.

If it’s family relationships that are not meeting your needs, my go to is the Gottman Institute for science backed tips and strategies.

And, please consider talking to a therapist, coach, spiritual leader, or other trusted mentor. Sometimes an outside perspective can be the key to understanding your needs.

BOOK STUFF: Join us Monday, October 28 to discuss The Vagabond’s Way, by Rolf Potts. 

We had a fabulous conversation Monday about all sorts of things: the difference between travel and vacation, wondering about a betel nut cracker from Bangalore, and what a whole body yes feels like. 

We’re spending one more month with The Vagabond’s Way, by Rolf Potts, and we’d love for you to join us. Sign up here or email Tessa at tessa@irenesalter.com 

BTW… if you’re curious what’s the status on the book I’m writing, Have Brain, Will Travel is currently in the hands of my amazing agent Kimberley Cameron who is in the process of matching my book with a publisher. I’m taking a pause on writing more chapters and instead focusing on crafting essays, reading for inspiration, and building up my marketing engine. There’s a lot to being an author besides writing and it’s been super fun learning all the facets, especially the reading for inspiration part!

PODCAST: Episode 15 helps build your social circles and Episode 16 explores your emotional landscape.

Don’t miss the latest episodes.

14 - Soaking in Mindfulness: Lessons in centering from a Japanese onsen

15 - Rooted in Connection: How trees can teach humans to build stronger connections

16 - Leading with Heart: What if your heart did the thinking and mind did the feeling?

Find the Leaders' Playground on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, my website, or wherever you get your podcasts.

GOING FURTHER: Last chance to join the Collective Wisdom Leadership Circle!

Leadership can be lonely, but it doesn’t have to be. Are you someone who…

• …considers your over-achieverism and perfectionism to be both a blessing and a curse?

• …is ambitious, passionate, and driven, but struggles to do the important when the urgent is pressing?

• …has an exciting, important, daunting professional challenge or wish for 2024. (Perhaps a new role, a new project, raise $1M, finally create work-life balance… If it’s fuzzy, apply for a complimentary call with me and we’ll explore together.)?

• …considers yourself a servant leader, but tends to give away time and energy to others, leaving not enough for yourself?

• …is confident in some leadership areas or settings, but not all, or not when stressed?

• …is a mid-career professional actively leading a team or supporting other leaders, but the weight of responsibility sometimes feels heavy and overwhelming?

• …whole-heartedly embraces new experiences and being lovingly challenged? 

  
  

If so, enrollment for the next cohort of my collective wisdom leadership circle closes October 11th. It’s likely that I will NOT be offering a leadership circle in 2025. So if you want to achieve your biggest goals with a coach, teammates, and circle of cheerleaders, now’s your chance. 

Reach out today.