Infuriated by Toxic Political Polarization?

This blog is a really tough one for me to write and release in that you see my worst, most ugly self on display. 

I went to a Conscious Leadership Integrity Boot Camp with the aim of self-transformation.  I didn’t quite realize just how deeply my behaviors, attitudes, and identity would be cracked open in the process. This is a story of self-righteous anger, hopelessness, shame, growth, and learning. 

It’s also a story of how to address the vile stew of political divisiveness in America. If, like me, you want toxic polarization to STOP, then this is for you… though you might not like the solution I came to. I sure didn’t.

STORY: The solution to toxic political polarization I really really didn’t want to learn.

READ MORE & GOING FURTHER: Practicing self-awareness and depolarization.

BOOK STUFF: Author visit!!! Rolf Potts will join us Monday, October 28 to discuss his book The Vagabond’s Way. 

PODCAST: Episode 16 is all about emotional intelligence and Episode 17 (coming soon!) is on authentic leadership.

STORY: The solution to toxic political polarization I really really didn’t want to learn.

Americans are being inundated by toxic, divisive politics right now. Radio. TV. Social media. News. On Monday, a new, inflammatory political yard sign appeared directly across the street from my daughter’s school. 

Who are these people spreading hateful, polarizing rhetoric in front of my kid’s school! Arrrrgh! I can’t even drop my kid off at school in peace! And I don't even live in a swing state!

Bullying and name-calling that would have immediately sent middle schoolers to my office when I was a principal are not only being publicly broadcast on every TV and radio station, but are being repeated and celebrated by people in power on both sides of the aisle.

This hyper-polarization is NOT okay! Whatever your political affiliation, I hope you can agree with me there. 

Are you feeling it too? If so, what the hell do we do about it?

[Warning. If you lean Republican, the next section may offend you. I speak directly from my most triggered, overly emotional, unenlightened, petty, immature self. It’s ugly, honest, and raw. But please stay with me. You’ll see why I include it by the end.] 

Denialists

I brought my fury concerning political divisiveness to the Conscious Leadership Group’s Integrity Boot Camp, a 4-day retreat put on by the authors of my favorite leadership book of all time – The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership. 

Two hours into the retreat, they asked us to choose a conflict we’re in the middle of that’s got some “juice”. Last time I’d done this exercise with them, I chose “My husband never does the dishes” and made a HUGE breakthrough. 

This time, I went all in and wrote: “Denialists disregard facts and evidence to support asinine conspiracy theories driven by fear and anger that are dividing my community, harming people I love, and destroying democracy.” 

[Wow. Look how much anger oozes off just that one sentence…]

I thought, might as well throw down the gauntlet with a topic so BIG that I can’t even imagine what a breakthrough would even look like. In addition to anger, I feel a deep black well of hopelessness, as if there’s nothing I could possibly do to take ownership or make even a tiny ripple of impact in the face of a tsunami that BIG. 

I picked up the term “denialists” from Michael Specter’s 2009 book Denialism. Specter says: 

“Denialists… replace the rigorous and open minded skepticism of science with the inflexible certainty of ideological commitment. We have all been in denial at some point in our lives. Faced with truths too painful to accept, rejection often seems the only way to cope. Under those circumstances, facts, no matter how detailed or irrefutable, rarely make a difference. Denialism is denial writ large. When an entire segment of society, often struggling with the trauma of change, turns away from reality in favor of a more comfortable lie.”

The denialists that anger me most right now are “election deniers” who continue to claim that the 2020 election was “stolen”, “rigged”, riddled with election fraud, or somehow illegitimate despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I’m also enraged at those who believe that the country is being overrun by “illegals” who are “stealing jobs”, “committing crimes”, and “harming the economy”. You’re talking about me and my immigrant parents here! Throw in climate change deniers, COVID-19 deniers, and evolution deniers, and suddenly there’s a nice big segment of humanity to vent my spleen upon. 

I want every denialist on the planet to “see the light” and embrace science. 

I want polarization and inflammatory name calling to STOP. Right now!

I want the news, radio, street signs, and social media to stop spreading mis- and dis-information.

I want a return to respectful, evidence-based, inclusive civic discourse. 

Most of all, I want to stop feeling so angry and hopeless about it all. 

Conscious Leadership folks, help me. Please.

The Work

The Conscious Leadership Group have a suite of tools to help us work through our conflicts. I’m not even going to try to describe them here in this blog. (Go to their website. Read the book. Take one of their workshops or ask me to teach their tools to you just as I’m doing this Friday with a team of education leaders.)

What I will do in this article is share my own insights from Integrity Boot Camp and perhaps you can learn from my example to soothe any politically fueled anger in your life. 

My first insight was self-awareness. When I look back on myself venting, good gracious, I’m self-righteous. I play both the angry Villain, blaming denialists for all of society’s ills, and the exhausted Victim, hopelessly at the effect of their attacks (see this video on the Karpman drama triangle for more). My self-righteousness in particular is ugly and hateful. I look at myself and think, yuck.

Later that afternoon, I was instructed to make a list of all the reasons why I cling to that self-righteousness. We hold onto our conflicts because they’re giving us something satisfying or letting us avoid something uncomfortable. I wrote down:

• I can blame others for the problems in my community and country. 

• I can be better than them. (More yuck.)

• I get to believe that they’re the ones that are angry, afraid, militant, and stubborn, not me. 

• I can avoid doing anything hard because they’re the problem, not me.

• And because I believe it’s too BIG for any one person to solve, I get to wait for someone else to fix it. 

When I reread my list, I had my second insight – I’m stuck in toxic self-righteousness. I'm angry, afraid, militant and stubborn. My own stuckness is getting in the way of getting what I really want.

I realized that I was telling myself a story, as if I’d written and directed a movie for myself in the starring role. In this movie, denialists are the faceless, nameless bad guys (“Those people!”), like Nazis in Indiana Jones or storm troppers in Star Wars. I get to play the victim (oh woe is me and my community falling prey to their evil-doing) with occasional moments of being the hero (look at me, the scientist, here to save the day!). I’m like Marion or Princess Leia. It’s a battle of good versus evil. While I can play a good guy, it’s actually Indiana Jones or Luke Skywalker who take on the ultimate responsibility to save the day.

So… while I say that I want it to be different, do I really? Do I want to heal the toxic divide badly enough to change my own behavior and attitudes? Am I willing to stop blaming, to stop being better than, to face my own feelings and stubbornness, to do hard things, and stop waiting for someone else to fix it? 

I thought, this is going to be really hard because I'm the problem.

And then it got harder.

That evening, the facilitators asked us to explore the possibility that the opposite of our story might be true. Instead of “Denialists disregard facts and evidence” and “Denialists are dividing my community” can I find a part of myself who disregards the facts or who divides my community? Could there be the tiniest part, my left pinkie toe, who does what they do or thinks what they think, even occasionally?

I refused to go there. I couldn’t yet answer that question. 

And thus, my third big realization… the reason this issue in particular is so BIG for me is that it takes my two most important core values – scientific inquiry and building community – and pits them directly against a stereotyped evil villain who denies both those things. 

Because this issue hits my core identity, I refuse to let go of being RIGHT.

When I shared that insight with the group, one of the facilitators asked me, "Irene, who would you be without your core values?" 

At which point I broke down in trembling, shivering, hiccuping sobs. Who would I be without my core values? If I weren’t a scientist? If I weren’t a community builder? 

My first thought, I’d be nothing. Nobody. I wouldn’t be me. 

Thus ended day one. All night long, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, wrestling with those two questions: Can I find a part of me who disregards facts and divides my community? Who would I be without my core values?

And in the hazy early morning hours I had two more massive, Earth-shattering insights. 

Oh shit, I realized, this is me, othering them. 

Othering is an innate human cognitive bias that exists in all of us in which we manufacture artificial dividing lines between people, labeling certain individuals or groups as "different" or "not one of us". It’s in-group out-group bias. I HATE being othered. Yet here I am dividing my own community by othering them.

By othering, I disregard any facts that might help me empathize with them. It’s been nearly two years since I invited people across the aisle to a heart-to-heart even though those were some of the most powerful community-building experiences I’d ever had. Instead, lately, I’ve been siloing myself: not reading articles from the other point of view, blocking social media from “those people”, and steering clear of political meetings. I am the one who’s angry, afraid, militant, and stubborn. I hate their self-righteousness yet am guilty of the exact behavior I abhor. 

Like Michael Specter said, “Faced with truths too painful to accept, rejection often seems the only way to cope.” I myself have turned “away from reality in favor of a more comfortable lie.” Oh crap. It’s not just my left pinkie toe that’s doing the denialist thing. I’ve been wholeheartedly denying denialists their humanity.

I’m disgusted with myself. When I reread my unfiltered thoughts, I’m ashamed. My disgust, shame, and guilt are deeply uncomfortable, but also absolutely necessary to fuel my motivation to change.

And my other dream state, early morning revelation… Who would I be without my values? 

I was reminded of Carl Sagan’s statement: “The cosmos is within us. We are made of star stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself." Without my values, stripped of my identity, I am stardust. I am an agent in Earth’s ecosystem. I am human. I am part of something much larger than myself.

And I know now that it’s only if I, myself, can rise above my values into being human star stuff that we’ll heal the divide and return to respectful, evidence-based, inclusive civic discourse.  

It’s not about you.

It starts with me.

The Aftermath

While I’m still a bit shocked by how much money I paid to have someone take all my electronics away and make me cry, I’m going to relish this retreat for the rest of my life. The growth I experienced over 4 days was equivalent to what a year of 1:1 coaching can produce with an exceptional coach. (And what I’m sharing in this post is just the five insights from the first 12 hours related to toxic political polarization!)

Since coming home, I’m slowly but surely taking action on my insights. I suppose the tears, the insights, the take-home challenges are simply a taste of the medicine that I dish out regularly to clients. I gotta walk the walk.

• A book I’m reading, Systems Inspired Leadership, suggests breakthrough thinking comes when we imagine that the system (in this case democracy) is trying to become something new, and that all members of that system (people in America) are essential voices by which the system expresses itself. I will adopt that mindset and start listening to new voices.

• To that end, I’m genuinely curious about the Republican perspective. I’d love to understand the other side of the aisle and what led you to your views. So, if you’re open to spending 15-30 minutes with me to talk politics, please, email me at irene@irenesalter.com so we can set up a time to talk. 

• The book, When Chaos Comes Calling, by Sasha Abramsky, directly explores the rise of toxic divisiveness in my community and compares it to other small towns with similar problems. I initially dismissed it as a book that would just make me mad. Now I realize I need to learn the facts and stop avoiding them.

• I joined the advisory committee for a bipartisan effort in Northern California headed by the United Way to establish a norm of civil and respectful civic dialogue and will be attending their kickoff event October 29th. If you’re in Shasta County, I hope you’ll join me. (There’s another on October 28th in Chico, CA.)

• I’ve taken two eCourses by Braver Angels – “Skills for Bridging the Divide” and “Depolarizing Within”. Both are wonderful. Depolarizing Within was particularly impactful for me to soften my views on denialism. Take home message from an an organization devoted to reducing divisiveness: “We become agents of polarization when we use any of the Four Horsemen of Polarization: Stereotyping, Dismissing, Ridiculing, and Contempt”. The courses teach specific strategies to depolarize conversations both within our own groups and also when speaking to friends and family across the aisle.

I wish there were a simpler solution to the toxic polarization problem. And maybe if I were a Congresswoman, nationally renown journalist, or powerful lobbyist there would be. But I’m just a regular citizen. Despite degrees in neuroscience and psychology, I’m just as fallible to cognitive biases like othering as anyone else. 

What I’ve learned is that in order to stop feeling so angry and hopeless about this hateful, vile, political stew we’re all caught in, I can no longer wait for Indiana Jones or Luke Skywalker to fix the mess. Nor can I sit back in my self-righteousness and wait for the other side to change.

It’s not about you.

It starts with me.

Who’s with me?

READ MORE & GOING FURTHER: Practicing self-awareness and depolarization

Irene’s favorite leadership book of all time is The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership by Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman, and Kaley Klemp. I got so so much out of their tools and would love to share them with you and your team. Reach out and we can set up a time to talk.

This NPR article turned my attention to the free online Braver Angels training courses. If you’re ready to depolarize your own life, their short 40-minute eCourses are fantastic. If you’re Republican, I’d love to hear your side of the story. Email me to set up a time to talk irene@irenesalter.com 

Check out Living Room Conversation for more information on how to create intentional, bi-partisan political conversations on topics ranging from election administration to gun control to abortion to immigration. If you’re interested in participating in a Living Room Conversation online, please let me know. If there’s enough interest amongst you subscribers, I’d be happy to facilitate for free as part of my own growth and learning efforts. Email me.

If you’re in Northern California, take a look at the work of United Way on Building Bridges and then join them October 28th in Chico or October 29th in Redding for their kickoff event.

This is Stephen Karpman’s original article on the drama triangle which I find fascinating as the origin was in storytelling, not psychology.

BOOK STUFF: Author visit!!! Rolf Potts will join us Monday, October 28 to discuss his book The Vagabond’s Way. 

I'm beyond excited to have a conversation with one of my heroes, Rolf Potts. His first book, Vagabonding, helped inspire my family's globe-trotting Gap Year that inspired the book I'm writing, Have Brain, Will Travel. And now, I get to bring a world-reknown travel writer, author, teacher, and adventurer to you all for a fluid conversation about aliveness, mindful travel, the science behind our wanderlust, and how to bring travel home with you.

Whether you've read the book or not, whether you want to join just this one meeting or join the community, you are always welcome. Reminder for the remainder of the year book club calls have been rescheduled to the last Monday of the month. If you are not yet subscribed to book club and would like to receive the book club specific emails and calendar reminders please email Tessa to be added.

PODCAST: Episode 16 is all about emotional intelligence and Episode 17 (coming soon!) is on authentic leadership

Take a listen to two new episodes! Boy, did I need and use the tools in Episode 16 as I navigated the emotions that came up in the story above. Episode 17 is special in that it's my recent keynote for the ACSA Women in School Leadership Forum in podcase form.

Emotional intelligence and authentic leadership are deeply interconnected, as both focus on self-awareness, relationship-building, and fostering a positive, ethical work environment. Leadership is not just about skills and strategy, but also about understanding oneself and others on a deeper emotional level.