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Mentoring in the Modern Workplace
- Irene Salter, PhD
- Apr 15
- 8 min read
Bring to mind someone you consider to be an exceptional mentor. It may be easy to describe their character or personality (e.g. supportive, kind, thoughtful, wise, empathetic, encouraging…), but what are they actually doing? What behaviors, attitudes, and words do they use, and more importantly, can I learn those skills?
This article is all about breaking down what great mentors do, and teaching the fundamentals of coaching to you!
STORY: Mentoring in the modern workplace.
READ MORE: Videos and books to learn more about mentoring.
BOOK STUFF: We’re discussing The Backyard Bird Chronicles by Amy Tan, April 24, 2025, at 4 pm PST.
GOING FURTHER: The next Women’s Leadership Circle takes place May 21, 2025, at 5:30 pm in Downtown Redding.
STORY: Mentoring in the modern workplace
Coaching is one of six essential leadership styles according to Daniel Goleman, with potentially the largest impact on performance, culture, and results, BUT it's the least-used. Why?
I believe it's because most managers don't know how to break down coaching into component skills that can be taught. In the modern workplace, coaching, mentoring, is often a sink-or-swim affair. You’re promoted into a supervisorial role and expected to figure it out just like others did before you, as if mentoring others is something to learn through osmosis.
It doesn’t have to be that way. Exceptional mentoring can be broken down into discrete behaviors, attitudes, and skills. It can be taught. I should know after going through rigorous coach training and regular recertification.
To begin, bring to mind a wonderful mentor from your own life. See if you can name the attitudes, behaviors, and words they used when mentoring you.
24 female leaders that I admire and respect gathered recently in Downtown Redding for this exact conversation and generated this list of attitudes, behaviors and words together. (By the way, we gather every other month for conversations like these so if you live in far Northern California and want to join us, see the GOING FURTHER section below for details!)
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WARNING : Do not use this list as a checklist of all the things you need to do to be a good mentor to others. It’s a menu. Everything on here are skills that you can learn and get good at if it’s not already in your tool box. But no matter what you should pick those things that work best for you and for the folks that you work with.
Here’s what I’d add to that list to break it down even further.
Growth Mindset
First and foremost, adopt and encourage a growth mindset, not a fixed mindset. The idea of “growth mindset” was popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck. You can think of growth mindset as the belief that character, intelligence, and motivation can be grown through learning and effort. Folks with growth mindset believe that no person is inherently “good at math” or “bad at math”. Skills in math can be nurtured and that the motivation to grow any trait can be internalized. Same with any of the attitudes and behaviors in the list above – courage, compassion, confidence, groundedness, and even intelligence. That applies to any employee you need to mentor AND to your own skills as a mentor. I’m certainly not done growing as a coach. In fact, I just enrolled in a weekly 6 month coach training program to get even better at what I do.
Stay Curious a Little Longer
The next most important attitude is to “Stay curious a little longer.” It’s so easy to jump to advice giving and problem solving. Or to start telling stories about when you were in a similar situation and how you solved it. However, as two of the best coaches in the world, Marshall Goldsmith and Michael Bungay Stanier, describe in this conversation, the first story is rarely the heart of the issue and “even if I know the answer, is it really the best move for me to give the answer?” The thing to remind yourself over and over and over is “Stay curious a little longer.” And “a little longer.” And “a little longer” after that.
Not My Monkeys
Have you ever heard the phrase, “not my monkeys”? It’s relevance to mentoring and managing people comes from this wonderful little book The One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey by Blanchard, Oncken & Burrows. When someone comes to you with a problem (a monkey), the goal is to ensure that the monkey leaves the room with that person. The natural human tendency is to focus on the monkey, on solving the problem right in front of you. And when you focus on solving the problem, the monkey they bring into your office climbs off their back and climbs onto your own desk. Pretty soon you’re saying something like: “let me look into this and get back to you with a few ideas” or “I’ll tell Ben about this issue so he can take care of it.” And when your mentee leaves, the monkey stays with you and doesn’t leave with them.
Instead, the goal is to focus NOT on the monkey but on empowering your people. That means, instead of putting your attention on the problem, put your attention on resourcing your people so that they can care for the monkeys they are responsible for. Start with small monkeys (tasks). Move towards big apes (delegate whole projects). When they come to you, keep dialoguing until you know Who will do What by When and how will you Follow Up (WWWF).
Who: ownership of each monkey is assigned to a person.
What: specific next steps have been described and all monkeys have been insured (mitigate the risk of unaffordable mistakes).
When & Follow Up: all monkeys have checkup appointments.
The Anatomy of a Coaching Conversation.
That coaching program I just signed up for is led by Marion Franklin. She’s one of my mentors, the person who broke me into the world of coaching. Her book, The Heart of Laser Focused Coaching, breaks a coaching conversation into 3 sections: the beginning, middle, and end. I continue to use this structure, whether I’m meeting with a client for 5 minutes, 20 minutes, or an hour. I highly recommend it for monthly employee check-ins or for when they come to you with a monkey.
The Beginning | The Middle | The End |
Opening question Their story Your reflection Question to go deeper Identify what they want | Separating fact from story Laser in on what matters Seek a perspective shift Give what they need (not necessarily what they want) | Loop back to beginning Action plan WWWF Insights Supports and resources |
6. Key Behaviors
These are the key behaviors I've learned and use daily in my coaching:
Identify and acknowledge core values
Start with strengths (not weaknesses)
Seek themes, relationships and patterns
Focus on solutions, not problems
Keep the focus high on the motivational pyramid (see image)
Challenge the other’s thinking or offer direct feedback, without apology or sugarcoating, yet with complete safety and compassion
7. Key Words and Questions
Finally, let me leave you with a grab bag of questions and phrases that I use, love and find ever so useful for those mentoring conversations. To be honest, when I was first learning to coach, I literally had this list of questions on a piece of paper in front of me so that when I was tempted to give advice, or when I didn’t know what else to say, I had a cheat sheet of questions at my fingertips.
In general:
Ask short, genuine, open ended questions
Paraphrase “What I’m hearing you say is…”
Notice and describe body language and facial expression “I’m noticing… What’s that about?”
Name and stay with emotions “You seem… What’s that about?”
The questions from The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier are utter genius and comprises an entire coaching conversation in 7 simple questions.
What’s on your mind?
And what else?
What’s the real challenge here for you?
What do you want?
How can I help?
If you’re saying YES to this, what are you saying NO to?
What was most useful here for you?
My other favorite questions include:
What’s getting in your way?
What have you done about this so far?
If you could get more of/get rid of X, what difference would that make?
What experiments, if any, might you be willing to try?
What’s one small, achievable step you could take right now?
What have you learned about yourself that you didn’t know before this conversation?
What supports or resources do you need as you move forward?
And my co-faciliator of the women’s leadership collective, the brilliant executive coach, Hope Seth, offers these favorite questions as well:
What are you hoping to get from today’s conversation?
What might you need to accept about this (person, situation)?
What assumptions might you be making?
What commitments do your actions reveal? Are there any commitments you may need to let go of or to increase in order to get to your intended outcome.
Tell me more….
If you had to name the core issue in one sentence, what would it be?
What’s within your control here? What’s outside of it?
If you had total clarity, what decision or action would you take right now?
How I wish someone had told me this stuff before becoming a university department chair or school principal/superintendent. Here’s hoping there’s some value in these tips and tricks for you!
READ MORE: Videos and books to learn more about mentoring.
This Harvard Business School article does a great job explaining the importance of adopting and encouraging a growth mindset, not a fixed mindset. in the modern workplace.
I LOVE this video with Marshall Goldsmith and Michael Bungay Stanier which drives home the message: Stay curious a little longer. The first story is rarely the heart of the issue and “even if I know the answer, is it really the best move for me to give the answer?”
I mention both these books in the article. They’re wonderful!
BOOK STUFF: We’re discussing The Backyard Bird Chronicles by Amy Tan, April 24, 2025, at 4 pm PST.
If you are not yet subscribed to book club you can do so here! If you don't yet wish to join but are interested in jumping into this final conversation on the book, please feel free to participate. You will also hear what options we are choosing for our next read. Contact Tessa to be added to the zoom calendar for this call.
GOING FURTHER: The next Women’s Leadership Circle takes place May 21, 2025, at 5:30 pm in Downtown Redding.
WHO: Women in the North State region who lead projects or teams. Leaders in any industry (business, nonprofit, government, education, healthcare, etc.) who self-identify as female are encouraged to attend so long as you can abide by our ground rules:
Be curious and listen to understand.
Show respect and suspend judgment.
Celebrate common ground as well as differences.
Be authentic and welcome that from others.
Be purposeful and to the point.
Be part of the solution, not the problem.
What is shared here, stays here.
WHAT: A series of free, meaningful conversations exploring real issues women in leadership face in our area—like work-life balance, power dynamics, leadership identity,or bridging differences. Each session stands on its own. You’re welcome to drop in for a topic that speaks to you or return month after month to grow with a supportive circle of local women facing similar challenges. We’ll send out a short article or TED Talk ahead of time to ground the discussion. Each gathering offers space for skill-building, honest dialogue, and community connection.
Want to join us? Contact Tessa to be added to our list and we’ll send you more info and upcoming dates.
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